Kalau Kamu Tahu~

(Post ditulis di dalam Bahase Inggeris untok lebih penghayatan)

People always asked me ''Why do you always write about pain, hurt and anger in your posts?''

The answer? Simple...
Its the only place I could turn to..
Its the only place I could seek comfort..

It hurts..
To not be able to say things I wanted to..
I intend to get all choked up..

I have..
People I love..
People I care..
But somehow..
I couldn't reach them when I wanted to..
Outcasted..

I let everyone down..
The pain..
Unbearable..
I couldnt accept the facts I failed them..

Busied myself..
Ignoring the pain..
Being in denial..
Im no different from the rest..

At one point, it hurts soo bad, that I wanted to stab myself..
Just wanting the pain to go away badly..
Nobody knew..

Sometimes, I wonder..
What was I trying to prove?
Honestly, I dont know..

A dear friend once asked ''Dont you feel anything? Why are you always smiling at hard times?''

Well, cause it hurts soo bad..
Tearing me apart inside..
I could only smile..
Hoping the pain would go away..

I guess..
Im at my turning point of my life..
To choose the paths I have to take..

Maybe..
Its best if I just dissapear..
It wouldn't be that much of a loss to anyone right?..

Nadt had finally fulfilled her dreams..
Teha has a supportive family..
Fares had proved his worthiness to himself...
Wanie has a loving and supportive guy..
Zunnur had finally redeemed himself..
Encik Bob got to further his career..
Pqa had been finally doing what she wanted most..
Ayep has a great school-life..
Mama and Ayah are doing great at work..
Nenek has good business these days..

What more could I ask for?
They're happy..
Im happy..
I envy them..
And yes, Im perfectly feeling blissfully happy for them..
Cause people I loved most, I cared most are happy..

Would they forgive me?
For dissapearing..
Leaving them behind?..

Reaching out..
Isnt easy..
Tried a few couple of times..
But..
Seems like it went unanswered..

If you care for someone..
Dont expect them to give back the same gesture you did for them..
Just be content the feeling grew in your heart..

That's what I learned..
I try hard not to complain..
Just taking it in..

I'll just have to improve myself..
Turning a new leaf?..
With no one..
Maybe..
Just maybe, that would work..

Im sorry I let you down..
Im sorry I lied to you..
Im sorry I mothered you around..
Im sorry I nagged at you..
Im sorry I missed you frequently..
Im sorry I made you angry..
Im sorry Im clueless..
Im sorry I argue with you..
Im sorry I cared for you..
Im sorry I stood beside you..
Im sorry I made decisions for you..
Im sorry I hugged you..
Im sorry I kissed you..
And..
Im sorry I loved you..

P/S - Wonder who could give me a loving hug? Need that badly =(

Out~