If Only You Knew, Would You Care

Its been a while since I post up something here..
I was waaaayyy too busy with presentations, sleeping in between classes and struggling for multiple tests..
As finals is just 3 days around the corner, it didn't make things easier for me..

Just came back recently from JB due to a week of study week..
Yet, I came back to campus earlier..
Decided to have my last minute struggle in campus rather than at my own comfort of home..
*as if I'll be mugging my ass out in front of the ohhh-so-speedy internet connection lappy*

These past few days, had been one roller coaster emotional ride for me..Realizing things and accepting them without the heart to do so..The pain was very very intense..

It really felt like I was stabbed in the ___________<----- FILL IN THE BLANKS AS YOU WISH

Im tired of empty promises
Im tired of faking smiles
Im tired of adapting
Im tired of making people happy
Im tired of being unselfish
Im tired of giving people hopes
Im tired of being fake
Im tired of reaching out the unreachable
Im tired of being strong
Im tired of everyone
Im tired of myself

Some people tend to say Im just stressed out due to my finals..
Tell you what mister, AM NOT..

I tried to be selfish
I tried to learn to decline
I tried to reach out for help
I tried to be what people want me to be
I tried to give my best to everyone
I tried to love everyone I loathe
I tried to smile when tears threaten to fall
I tried to not burden others
I tried to make people smile
I tried to make people felt loved
I tried to love myself

I did..I really did..
As I sat on the grass, crying, reaching out for help..
Nobody saw me..
Not even a glance..
Nobody even heard my plead of helplessness..
I often wonder why..
Maybe, I was just a mere joke to everyone all this while..

Just a piece of pawn on their chess board..
Waiting to be disposed anytime they please..

Nursing my aching heart..
I could only comfort myself..
''Its ok my dear, the pain would go away''
''You are special, don't cry for them''
''You are not alone, you have yourself, you're never alone''

True, some tend to reach out to me..
But sadly, the moment I grab hold to them..
They disappeared..
Leaving me behind..
Holding on to empty promises the made and shattered dreams..

People might think I'm just full of crap..
An emotionally unstable girl..
I don't give a damn anymore..
You could say whatever you'd like..
As long it pleases you..
It's good enough for me..
Be my guest..
I'll just mind my own misery..

I'll hold on until I couldn't move on..
Until then, this is what I am..
A girl which hides behind the tears of a clown..